Please stop...

Diva wears AFO's (lower leg braces) to help with her cerebral palsy.  She LOVES them.  Geek and I say she views them as just another accessory.  She is not bothered in the slightest by them, she got them with her favorite colors (pink and purple) and one of her favorite things is on them (ladybugs.)  We know they are helping her.

Anyway, she has a little tummy and doesn't like anything tight so jeans are out of the question.  She usually wears "yoga" like pants (leggings?)  and they usually aren't baggy enough to go over her AFO's, so they are usually seen.  For school, since they wear uniforms, she has skirts or jumpers she wears (again, no khaki pants...until I get a chance to make her some with elastic in the waist) so it's leggings or stocking or knee highs...her AFO's show.

Many people in the family have thought she was wearing cute ladybug knee socks when they have seen them peeking out from under a longer skirt or pants. 

Basically, her friends, classmates, the family, anyone she is around a lot are totally used to them...as they should be.

Kids are curious, they see something they haven't seen before and they wonder what it is.  There have been a few who were brave enough to ask either me or Diva about the braces.  We say that they help her walk, the child usually tells her they are cute or just an "ok" and it's on the the next thing.

But...

Then there are the adults.  They stare and that makes me uncomfortable.  Diva doesn't notice, or if she does she just doesn't care.  Have I mentioned that this child has an extremely high self-esteem and knows that she is smart, beautiful, and loved?

And with Bubba, it's worse! There is no way to tell by looking at him that he has autism, ADHD, or Tourett's.  He tics, he stims, he has melt downs, he has impulse control problems.  Again, kids don't really care but the adults...they can be so rude.

He doesn't need more discipline, honestly, he is probably upset because we had to make an unexpected stop and he didn't have enough time to mentally prepare himself.  We don't need to yell or raise our voices with him, it will make him shut down totally; talking quietly to him is most effective.  Yes, he is dancing in the frozen food section, but he isn't hurting anyone and he isn't in any ones way so stop throwing me dirty looks, he's just stimming.

Here is what I would want you to do, I can't speak for everyone, but maybe it will give you some in site:

-Don't stare!  It makes me uncomfortable.  If you want to know what Diva's braces are for, ASK!  I'll be glad to answer most of your questions.  And really, your kids aren't bothering us by asking questions, they are just being kids.

-If Diva is in her wheelchair, respect it.  Offer to let me push her chair up front so she can see what's going on.  Don't expect me to push her into the grass so you can take up the entire sidewalk.  Don't give me dirty looks when I say "excuse me" so I can get through.  

-Don't click your tongue, roll your eyes, loudly sigh, make snide remarks, etc about our parenting.  There is such a thing as in invisible disease...like the 3 Bubba has!  Heck, you wouldn't know about Diva's if she wasn't wearing her AFO's.

-If either kid is having a meltdown, either offer to help ("Can I give you a hand?" is the best thing to say) or go away.

-Remember, Geek and I are under a lot of stress and trying to make our kids lives as "normal" as possible.  If I look like death warmed over, don't tell me how tired I look...trust me, I know!  Just smile and say "hello" and don't get upset if I don't want to stay and chat, especially if I don't have the kids with me.  It may be the only "me time" I get that week :0)

I must be weak

Bubba and Diva are really becoming a handful.  Geek hasn't been much help and in fact seems to retreat into his computer games every chance he gets.  So I handle it, I handle it all and feel like shit when I ask him to help out...especially when he spends the time yelling at the kids.  I wonder if being a single mom would be better for all involved.

I don't think I ask much: take the trash out, do the laundry (I fold and the kids put away), clean the bathroom, mow the lawn, and supervise the kids cleaning at times.  Geek will help out more when I'm sick or hurt (I have a slipped disk in my back so throwing it out happens every now and then) but I still do 95% of the child care and cooking.  I cannot imagine how much of a mess things would be if I had an actual job!

Geek can be worse then the kids about leaving things around the house.  He has this bad habit of taking his clothing off and just leaving it where he got changed at.  Drives me nuts!  He is a grown man and I pick up after him more then I do the kids!  And I swear he does things in the worst way possible (like folding laundry or loading the dishwasher) just so I don't ask him to do it again.

The kids needs are wearing me out.  I feel more worn down everyday.  I'm on 24/7.  Even on the few days each month I can sleep in, it doesn't happen.  Someone needs their hair done or can't find something they were looking for (even though they would find it if they moved something!)...see what I mean?  Kids get sick?  Mommy!  Bubba needs nebulizer treatments every 4 hours?  Mommy!  What's Daddy doing?  Probably playing his dumb ass computer game.

I've spoken to him about it many times over our relationship, things change for a few months but then they are right back to where they were before.  I barely have the energy to give to my kids everyday, I defiantly don't have the energy to deal with Geeks computer game addiction.

I must be weak to stay with a big man-child.  I must be weak because my kids medical problems are crushing me...heck, my own medical problems are crushing me!

I just want a few days, totally alone, no husband/kids/cats to take care of.  I don't want to worry about anyone but me and recharge my batteries.  But that will never happen, so I just keep figuring out how to keep functioning.

Tomorrow is my birthday...

I'm really hoping no one wishes me a happy birthday or really recognizes it in any way.  It has nothing to do with turning 33, I'm proud to have made it another year!  I just don't want to celebrate it.

I hate being the center of attention, always have.  I'd rather just blend into the background...unless you want to talk about my awesome crochet and sewing work or my amazing kids :0)

Then there is the whole present giving aspect of it.  Geek and I decided (after Bubba was born) that we won't exchange gifts for anything...heck, we don't even celebrate our anniversary...because we both feel its just a waste of money.  As the kids have gotten older, we do take them shopping for something small from them for us for Christmas.  Last year they got their dad a small stuffed Stitch and baked him cookies; they got me a soup mug (which I use a lot.)  This year they got their dad slippers and pj pants and I got suger-free chocolates.

I keep telling everyone that I'm okay with this, but really I'm not.  I'm sick of putting myself last, but then I feel guilty and go to the end of the line again.  For example, I got $30 in a card for my birthday the other day.  Should I go buy myself something?  I should, but it's going to new uniform pants for Bubba, new knee socks for Diva, and the rest will get put on their lunch accounts.  If I spend it on myself I will feel bad every time I use/see whatever I would buy.

I got a gift card from my in-laws for Christmas to a clothing store I shop at twice a year, once in the fall for a new pair of jeans (but only if I need them) and once in the spring for a new pair of shorts (but only if I need them)...I still have $8 on it that I physically cannot spend.  There is really nothing I want.  The only reason I spent the rest was Geek made me.  I had a super hard time spending it...cause my jeans fit fine.

I would have much rather had a gift card for somewhere like Walmart...because we need new dishes and silverware.  I got a soft pretzel maker for Christmas...and I'm taking it back hoping to get new dishes with it.  It's not going to make it any easier to make them and I make them in the oven if we want them so I don't need something sitting around collecting dust.

Wow, I got a little off topic...I've been stuck in my house for 6 days, I'm a little loopy!

Diabetes Sucks

I was on insulin and a super-mega strict diet with both my pregnancies.  A few years after Diva was born, I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes.  It really wasn't that much of a surprise to me.  I have PCOS with insulin resistance and it runs very heavily in both my mothers and fathers side of my family.  My mother was adopted so we don't know exactly who developed it after she was given her medical information and she died of cancer in her mid-40s so we don't know if she would have developed it.

My father, his father, his sister, and his grandfather all have/had it.  Did I mention that when I was diagnosed the asshat doctor (not my normal doctor) told me I need to stop with all the cake and cookies.  Yeah, he actually said that.  My own doctor told me that I was basically destined to develop it and me being overweight has very little to do with it.  I agree with this, since the 4 people in my family who have developed it as thin, active people.

Yeah, it's not just a fat-person disease.  And I'm not using this next sentence as an excuse, because I've battled with my weight since I was 8...but the PCOS makes it VERY heard to lose weight.  Hell, when I was in the hospital for DKA before Thanksgiving, the Diabetes Educator asked me if I had PCOS because of where I carry my weight.

Anyway, I take two shots each day and test my sugar at least 4 times each day.  I can't have alcohol, pizza, rice, sushi (due to the rice), pasta, bread, non-sugar free chocolate, baked goods, candy, pretzels, chips, fries...basically all the good things.  Hell, sometimes the stuff I'm "allowed" to eat shoots my sugar up and I don't know why.

Breakfast?  Peanut butter on a graham cracker.

Lunch?  Salad (lettuce, a little cheese, chicken, dressing) and maybe more peanut butter on a graham cracker as a treat.

Afternoon snack?  Yup, more peanut butter and graham cracker.

Dinner?  Chicken/pork/beef, salad, veggie

Night-time snack?  You guessed it, peanut butter on a graham cracker

I drink milk, water, diet iced tea, hot tea with Splenda, and diet soda.  Sometimes, I treat myself with some sugar-free pudding or sugar-free jello.

I sometimes break down and have things I shouldn't...and feel really bad about it after.  

The holidays suck, going out to eat sucks, even just going to someone elses house to visit sucks.  Let's take these one at a time.

Holidays:
Tons of food I can't eat.  Meals at weird times.  Seriously, I need to eat at certain times so I can take my insulin...and I can't indulge because "it's the holidays!"  To me, it's just Tuesday.

Going out to Eat:
It's great that your menu has the calories listed on it, but it doesn't help me.  How many carbs?  How much protein?  How much fat?  This is what I need to know.  So if this stuff isn't listed, I'm left to play "guess the carb count" and I usually lose.  And don't give me that look if I ask for my burger without the bun.

Visiting:
Pretty much the same as holidays.

So there you have it, the reasons why I tend to be miserable.

Wow...just wow

I really have no words for the way some people on my side of the family treated me very early on Christmas Eve.  My kids don't sleep well, even at 7 and 6, so therefore I don't sleep well (Geek works 3rd shift if I forgot to mention that before.)  Remember, Bubba has high-functioning autism, mild Tourettes (which is getting worse), and ADHD; and Diva has mild cerebral palsy and is now being treated for anxiety.

Anyway, at around 3am on the morning of Christmas Eve, after my second night of less than 2 hours of sleep, I took to Facebook to complain about my kids not sleeping and how tired I was.  My father informed me that it was all part of being a parent and I should "quit bitching", my brother-in-law said the same thing, then one of my sisters posted a passive-agressive status stating I should just be happy for what I have.  My husband informed them that they have no clue what it's like to raise one special needs child, let alone two, who don't sleep well,

Here's the thing...I very rarely complain on Facebook.  And when I do it's mostly light-hearted, like complaining that my perscription insurance needs an easier to navigate web site.

Geek was pissed, to say the least.  He called my step-mother, told her what was going on and let her know that we wouldn't be making it to the family Christmas Eve party because he didn't know if he could keep from punch my father and brother-in-law.  Yup, that's how pissed he was (and still is.) 

I should mention that my step-mother took our side, blasted her husband (my dad), son-in-law, and daughter.

I actually un-friended my father, sisters, and brothers-in-law.  I feel GREAT!  They were some of the most negative and pessimistic people.

I'd love to know why it's ok to complain about their jobs, their pregnancies, their pets, other drivers, service at restruants/stores, how tired they are, etc but I get blasted.

Best part?  I don't have to see (read?) the dumbass political stuff they post.  I'm all for everyone being entitled to their own opinions and political views...when they are actually informed about it and don't get their news from internet memes :0)