I'm FINALLY putting myself first...and I'm not feeling bad about it!

I'm finally in a good place.  Yes, I'm still pissed about the pending divorce.  Yes, I'm still pissed that I can only meet jerks (I took down my online dating profiles!)  But I finally don't want to rip Geeks balls off and feed them to him so I'd consider it a huge improvement.

My diabetes doctor and my family doctor have both suggested I consider weight loss surgery.  They mentioned this over a year ago.  Looking back, I should have just done it, but we were dealing with so much with Bubba and Diva, I just couldn't take time for myself.

But last week I realized something.  My blood sugar has been out of control for the past few month...weird how it had been under great control until all the stress with Geek started, huh?  My PCOS makes it hard to lose weight.  I exercise, I eat well (probably better than most people), I take my meds...but the weight just hangs on.  I need to be around for my Minions for as long as possible and it seems that this is the only way to get this weight off...and therefore get my life back.  My diabetes will probably go away (or at least be to the point where I won't need insulin and meds twice each day) and therefore I will live a longer, healthier life.

I'm not gonna lie, being thinner is a big bonus, being able to go into any store and find something to fit, is a big bonus.  Not getting disapproving looks when I eat out (no matter what I eat!) is a big bonus.  Showing my kids that it's great to be there for others as long as you don't forget about yourself in the process, is the best bonus.

I'm actually feeling content with my life.

*I wrote this on 6/19/14, it's the last in the "Here's what's been going on in my life the last few months" updates.  I'm getting ready to take the Minions down the shore for two weeks and I couldn't be more excited.  Just me and them for two weeks.  Swimming, playing in the sand, staying up late to watch movies...making good memories with them.  I may post some pictures, I may not.  But there will be another update soon, because I just found out Geek lied to me tonight and I'm hot.  Stay tuned.*

You need not apply :0(

How has Geek managed to have so many dates?  How does he have woman messaging him on these dating sites and showing interest in him?  Wait, I know!  Women go crazy over guys who put them selves out there as an "amazing single dad"  Men (or maybe I should still refer to them as guys since they all seem to think they are 10+ years younger then they actually are!) don't want an overweight single mom, especially when the kids have special needs.  Actually, I lie.  I met one who did, and he was a total skeevy creep.

Yeah, I decided to give dating another go...big mistake.  I have yet to meet anyone in person.  In fact, I've only managed to get a handful of responses and it never gets to the "let's meet" stage.

I want Geek to be lonely.  I want these women to break his heart.  I can't stand seeing him happy.

I've been considering getting rid of my online profiles again.  It's just too depressing.  But where am I going to meet anyone?  I don't go out (don't have the time or money to waste on it).  And even if I did, I wouldn't get hit on.  Guys don't want me.  Simple as that.  They don't care about anything but how I look.  I get it, I'm not pretty and even worse, I'm fat.  I know this, it's not a surprise.

But, Geek is fat (he weighs about 10 lbs more than I do) and not handsome in the traditional sense (but he does have facial hair and blue eyes...two things I love in a guy)...how is he doing it???

Oh, and I can't find a freaking job.  If I didn't have to support myself and two kids I'd have no problem with minimum wage/part time work...but even with government benefits (I HATE that I even had to apply for them! Two years, my goal is to be off them in two years or less...hopefully less) I have no idea how I will manage.  Yes, he will be paying child support but it's not much and I'll need to set that aside for uniforms, school fees, any sports or activities they want to do, etc.

Grow the F up!

Must be nice to get to act like a 15 year old.  Must be nice to think that other people are responsible for YOUR happiness.  Must be nice to know that someone else will always be there for the children you helped create.

Geek has said the reason he wants to divorce is because he "isn't happy"  Really?  Somehow this is my fault?  I think it's more likely you are pissed I'm insisting you act like the 32 year old man you claim to be.  Stop with the constant playing of some stupid text based online computer game that you have been playing since 8th grade!  Know what I did for fun in 8th grade that I still do?  NOTHING!!!  Ok, I read, but I'm not still reading the same books from then.

Grow the F up!

We should have moved far away from his family.  I thought he was different, he isn't.  Since Geek is an only child, his mother and her gay, childless, unmarried/unattached aunt spent their lives catering to his every need and want.  They did everything to keep him happy...now he refuses to grow up.

Why didn't I see this earlier?  I'm not sure.  I mean, I have had to talk to him before about the amount of time he spends with his computer (and since we've gotten smartphones, the amount of time he spends playing games on that!) and maybe I should have seen it, but I loved him (and I think I still do) so I over looked it, made excuses, and basically just decided this was going to be my life from now on.

Think the Minions and I moving out, and him only seeing them a few times each month, will make his realize how much of an ass he's being?  Yeah, probably not.

You are not a single dad!!!

Geek has NO right to call himself a "single dad"  I'm still doing 90% of the parenting.  The only time he parents is if I need him to watch the kids because I won't be home (the only time I get out of the house anymore is if I have a doctors appoint.)

Once the Minions and I move out (I CANNOT WAIT FOR THAT DAY!) he will see them every other weekend...4 days each month.  He has asked for one week of vacation with them each summer...let's see if that actually happens after the first year.  He STILL can't tell you what meds the kids take each day.  He has no idea how to do anything with Diva'a hair other than bruch it.  She has long hair, it needs to be braided each night and have something done with it each morning or it looks like a hot mess.

He has started yelling way too much at Bubba.  Bubba doesn't respond well to yelling but Geek seems to forget this.

I'm the only who makes the appointments, I'm the one who keeps up with the kids meds, I'm the only who deals with calls from the school, I'm the one who attends the IEP/504 meetings (when he attends he has pretty much no idea what's going on anyway).  I'm the one who is up with them at night when they are sick/have a bad dream/can't sleep/just want to be with someone then gets them breakfast and off to school before I start my daily cleaning/cooking/looking for a job that pays money/dealing with EVERYTHING.

Look, I know it's important that Geek works, he makes the money.  But when you can't even mow the lawn so the kids can play in the yard then call yourself a "single parent" it makes my blood boil.  I'm sorry, you are a "weekend dad"...actually, you are an "every other weekend dad"

I should have known...

I should have stuck to my original plan and not dated ever again.  I should have known that all the good ones are either dead, married, or gay.  I should have realized that Cowboy was only saying what I wanted to hear to get me into his bed.  I should have stuck to my guns and ignored the sexual tension between us.  I should have known that guys don't want a fat chick with two kids, especially when those kids are special needs.

I didn't know he existed until about a week and a half ago, we only met in person a week ago.  He knew I hadn't been getting the attention I wanted from Geek for years, so he gave it to me and I let a smooth talker finish breaking my heart.

I sent him a text telling him that things are different when you date a single mom.  I have to make plans at least a week before so I can arrainge things like child care.  I told him that  if he couldn't or didn't want to put more time and energy into our relationship then he needed to tell me.  His response:  "Who is this?"

I know I gave him an ultimatum, but he didn't have to be such an ass about it.

So I'm not going to look for someone.  I'm getting off the two dating sites I'm on.  I'm going to tell people, if they ask, that I'm working on me and I really don't have time to date since the kids are only with Geek 4 days each month.  But really, my heart has been so broken that what little I have left I'm giving to my kids.  I refuse to allow another man into my life, I refuse to be hurt again.

I decided to give internet dating another go...

I met Geek on an internet dating site.  Can you believe I almost didn't go on our first date!  On one hand, I wouldn't be dealing with him being suck an ass now by acting like he's 15 again.  On the other hand, I wouldn't have my Minions.  I love them more than anything so I think the joy of having them in my life really outweighs the fact that I married an asshole.

I met someone, let's call him Cowboy.  He seems like a good guy.  We text a lot, we've gotten together a few times.  I told him I wasn't ready to hop in bed with anyone yet and really didn't know when I would be...and he was ok with that!  He found out that I melt when guys call me "darling"..so that's what he calls me now.

He makes me want to be a woman!  Weird, I know.  I not only bought makeup but I bought a skirt!  And I wear both!  He doesn't treat me like Bubba and Diva's Mommy, he treats me like Jen the Woman.  I love it.  I've fallen hard for him, and it scares me.

The Gray Area

I feel like I'm living my life in The Gray Area.

Geek and I are separating...but not really.

Bubba has Autism...but the support groups and other things (apps, books, etc) are for kids with the classic form, which he doesn't have.

Diva has cerebral palsy...but again, any support I can find is for kids with the severe form, her is mild ataxia.

Let's start with Geek and I.  If we didn't have the kids, this would be really easy..."bye!"...but not only do we have the kids (and for their sake we need to stay friendly...not that anything is ugly between us we just realize we aren't working as married parents) but we need to wait until the end of the school year to even tell them on the suggestion of their psychologist.  The last thing we want to do is cause any issues with them finishing out the school year.

Now, the support groups.  I want support from other parents, I want their advice, their tips, their friendship.  Our families really don't understand, some of them try to but until you live it day in and day out you really just don't get it.  For instance, Geeks aunt and mother don't understand why we "insist" on disciplining the kids immediately...I'm not sorry, you cannot take Bubba/Diva with you to do something fun and postpone his/her punishment!  The there is the snide, "Does she really need to sit in her wheelchair?"  Um, yes, if we don't pace her she will tire out and meltdown.  I'm sorry you are embarrassed by the wheelchair and her braces, but tough shit.  Yeah, I'm not sorry about getting rid of my in-laws at all.

I wrote this back in early May.  Over the next few days, I'll be posting  a lot.  I wrote to help me through my emotions, but I didn't want to post anything until I was in a better emotional place.