I'm FINALLY putting myself first...and I'm not feeling bad about it!

I'm finally in a good place.  Yes, I'm still pissed about the pending divorce.  Yes, I'm still pissed that I can only meet jerks (I took down my online dating profiles!)  But I finally don't want to rip Geeks balls off and feed them to him so I'd consider it a huge improvement.

My diabetes doctor and my family doctor have both suggested I consider weight loss surgery.  They mentioned this over a year ago.  Looking back, I should have just done it, but we were dealing with so much with Bubba and Diva, I just couldn't take time for myself.

But last week I realized something.  My blood sugar has been out of control for the past few month...weird how it had been under great control until all the stress with Geek started, huh?  My PCOS makes it hard to lose weight.  I exercise, I eat well (probably better than most people), I take my meds...but the weight just hangs on.  I need to be around for my Minions for as long as possible and it seems that this is the only way to get this weight off...and therefore get my life back.  My diabetes will probably go away (or at least be to the point where I won't need insulin and meds twice each day) and therefore I will live a longer, healthier life.

I'm not gonna lie, being thinner is a big bonus, being able to go into any store and find something to fit, is a big bonus.  Not getting disapproving looks when I eat out (no matter what I eat!) is a big bonus.  Showing my kids that it's great to be there for others as long as you don't forget about yourself in the process, is the best bonus.

I'm actually feeling content with my life.

*I wrote this on 6/19/14, it's the last in the "Here's what's been going on in my life the last few months" updates.  I'm getting ready to take the Minions down the shore for two weeks and I couldn't be more excited.  Just me and them for two weeks.  Swimming, playing in the sand, staying up late to watch movies...making good memories with them.  I may post some pictures, I may not.  But there will be another update soon, because I just found out Geek lied to me tonight and I'm hot.  Stay tuned.*

Diabetes Sucks

I was on insulin and a super-mega strict diet with both my pregnancies.  A few years after Diva was born, I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes.  It really wasn't that much of a surprise to me.  I have PCOS with insulin resistance and it runs very heavily in both my mothers and fathers side of my family.  My mother was adopted so we don't know exactly who developed it after she was given her medical information and she died of cancer in her mid-40s so we don't know if she would have developed it.

My father, his father, his sister, and his grandfather all have/had it.  Did I mention that when I was diagnosed the asshat doctor (not my normal doctor) told me I need to stop with all the cake and cookies.  Yeah, he actually said that.  My own doctor told me that I was basically destined to develop it and me being overweight has very little to do with it.  I agree with this, since the 4 people in my family who have developed it as thin, active people.

Yeah, it's not just a fat-person disease.  And I'm not using this next sentence as an excuse, because I've battled with my weight since I was 8...but the PCOS makes it VERY heard to lose weight.  Hell, when I was in the hospital for DKA before Thanksgiving, the Diabetes Educator asked me if I had PCOS because of where I carry my weight.

Anyway, I take two shots each day and test my sugar at least 4 times each day.  I can't have alcohol, pizza, rice, sushi (due to the rice), pasta, bread, non-sugar free chocolate, baked goods, candy, pretzels, chips, fries...basically all the good things.  Hell, sometimes the stuff I'm "allowed" to eat shoots my sugar up and I don't know why.

Breakfast?  Peanut butter on a graham cracker.

Lunch?  Salad (lettuce, a little cheese, chicken, dressing) and maybe more peanut butter on a graham cracker as a treat.

Afternoon snack?  Yup, more peanut butter and graham cracker.

Dinner?  Chicken/pork/beef, salad, veggie

Night-time snack?  You guessed it, peanut butter on a graham cracker

I drink milk, water, diet iced tea, hot tea with Splenda, and diet soda.  Sometimes, I treat myself with some sugar-free pudding or sugar-free jello.

I sometimes break down and have things I shouldn't...and feel really bad about it after.  

The holidays suck, going out to eat sucks, even just going to someone elses house to visit sucks.  Let's take these one at a time.

Holidays:
Tons of food I can't eat.  Meals at weird times.  Seriously, I need to eat at certain times so I can take my insulin...and I can't indulge because "it's the holidays!"  To me, it's just Tuesday.

Going out to Eat:
It's great that your menu has the calories listed on it, but it doesn't help me.  How many carbs?  How much protein?  How much fat?  This is what I need to know.  So if this stuff isn't listed, I'm left to play "guess the carb count" and I usually lose.  And don't give me that look if I ask for my burger without the bun.

Visiting:
Pretty much the same as holidays.

So there you have it, the reasons why I tend to be miserable.

This really sucks

In my last post, I mentioned that I was admitted to the hospital a few days ago...I'm still there but I think I'm going home today.  I spent a few hours in the ER, "waiting for a bed" but when I got to the place they admitted me to, there were more empty beds than full ones.

I had a private room but had to share a bathroom and didn't have a shower.  It was a trade off, I could live with it.  They transferred me up there at 2 am :0(

Then, last nigh, knowing I'm most likely leaving today, they moved me yet again.  This time to a regular floor...roommate, in room bathroom, etc...I even got a shower!  However, I got no sleep at all.

Why?  My roommate is getting treatments of some for or another almost hourly...my blood sugars are being checked every 4 hours...I have my vital signs taken at midnight (who the hell decided this was a good time to check vitals???)...my roommate is doing a bowel cleanse and can't walk to the bathroom so I get to listen, and smell, her all night...there is a confused man somewhere on the floor and he is very loud...the light in the hall is really bright...the bed is super uncomfortable as is the pillow...I miss my husband and my kids...basically, take your pick!

Hospitals suck so hard sometimes.

Who decided it was a good idea to stick two strangers in a room together, two who most likely have totally different needs.  If rest is so essential to recovery, why isn't there a higher priority placed on it?

I can understand something like needing to wake me to check my blood sugar, it's what put me in here, but is it really that important to take my blood pressure and temperature at midnight???

If I'm ever in the hospital again, I'm insisting on a private room (LOL, like that will happen, but I can hope, right?) and a sleeping pill.

I should not have to choose!!!

I like choice, I like being able to make my own decisions.  Should I wear the blue shirt or the grey one?  Should we have chicken or fish for dinner.  Should I run the vacuum before or after lunch.  I like choice.

I don't like when I have to choose between buying my kids medicine and my insulin.

That is exactly what landed me in the hospital the past few days.  Our prescription coverage changed at the start of this calendar year and I could no longer afford my insulin.  I was able to keep getting the pills I was taking so with that and a super strict diet I had been doing well...until this past Sunday.

I woke up with what I thought was the flu.  Sore throat, aches, fever, just feeling down right miserable.  Then I started vomiting.  And was still vomiting more than four hours later.  Geek finally talked me into going to the ER.  Good thing I did.

I was suffering from diabetic ketoacidosis.  Nasty little thing...and very serious.

I'm doing better now, in fact I'm typing this from my hospital room.  I should be going home tomorrow.

Why are medications that are necessary for people to LIVE so freaking expensive???  It's not like I'm taking this so I can get an erection (seriously, I could do a whole post on this sentence alone!)