You are not a single dad!!!

Geek has NO right to call himself a "single dad"  I'm still doing 90% of the parenting.  The only time he parents is if I need him to watch the kids because I won't be home (the only time I get out of the house anymore is if I have a doctors appoint.)

Once the Minions and I move out (I CANNOT WAIT FOR THAT DAY!) he will see them every other weekend...4 days each month.  He has asked for one week of vacation with them each summer...let's see if that actually happens after the first year.  He STILL can't tell you what meds the kids take each day.  He has no idea how to do anything with Diva'a hair other than bruch it.  She has long hair, it needs to be braided each night and have something done with it each morning or it looks like a hot mess.

He has started yelling way too much at Bubba.  Bubba doesn't respond well to yelling but Geek seems to forget this.

I'm the only who makes the appointments, I'm the one who keeps up with the kids meds, I'm the only who deals with calls from the school, I'm the one who attends the IEP/504 meetings (when he attends he has pretty much no idea what's going on anyway).  I'm the one who is up with them at night when they are sick/have a bad dream/can't sleep/just want to be with someone then gets them breakfast and off to school before I start my daily cleaning/cooking/looking for a job that pays money/dealing with EVERYTHING.

Look, I know it's important that Geek works, he makes the money.  But when you can't even mow the lawn so the kids can play in the yard then call yourself a "single parent" it makes my blood boil.  I'm sorry, you are a "weekend dad"...actually, you are an "every other weekend dad"

I should have known...

I should have stuck to my original plan and not dated ever again.  I should have known that all the good ones are either dead, married, or gay.  I should have realized that Cowboy was only saying what I wanted to hear to get me into his bed.  I should have stuck to my guns and ignored the sexual tension between us.  I should have known that guys don't want a fat chick with two kids, especially when those kids are special needs.

I didn't know he existed until about a week and a half ago, we only met in person a week ago.  He knew I hadn't been getting the attention I wanted from Geek for years, so he gave it to me and I let a smooth talker finish breaking my heart.

I sent him a text telling him that things are different when you date a single mom.  I have to make plans at least a week before so I can arrainge things like child care.  I told him that  if he couldn't or didn't want to put more time and energy into our relationship then he needed to tell me.  His response:  "Who is this?"

I know I gave him an ultimatum, but he didn't have to be such an ass about it.

So I'm not going to look for someone.  I'm getting off the two dating sites I'm on.  I'm going to tell people, if they ask, that I'm working on me and I really don't have time to date since the kids are only with Geek 4 days each month.  But really, my heart has been so broken that what little I have left I'm giving to my kids.  I refuse to allow another man into my life, I refuse to be hurt again.

I must be weak

Bubba and Diva are really becoming a handful.  Geek hasn't been much help and in fact seems to retreat into his computer games every chance he gets.  So I handle it, I handle it all and feel like shit when I ask him to help out...especially when he spends the time yelling at the kids.  I wonder if being a single mom would be better for all involved.

I don't think I ask much: take the trash out, do the laundry (I fold and the kids put away), clean the bathroom, mow the lawn, and supervise the kids cleaning at times.  Geek will help out more when I'm sick or hurt (I have a slipped disk in my back so throwing it out happens every now and then) but I still do 95% of the child care and cooking.  I cannot imagine how much of a mess things would be if I had an actual job!

Geek can be worse then the kids about leaving things around the house.  He has this bad habit of taking his clothing off and just leaving it where he got changed at.  Drives me nuts!  He is a grown man and I pick up after him more then I do the kids!  And I swear he does things in the worst way possible (like folding laundry or loading the dishwasher) just so I don't ask him to do it again.

The kids needs are wearing me out.  I feel more worn down everyday.  I'm on 24/7.  Even on the few days each month I can sleep in, it doesn't happen.  Someone needs their hair done or can't find something they were looking for (even though they would find it if they moved something!)...see what I mean?  Kids get sick?  Mommy!  Bubba needs nebulizer treatments every 4 hours?  Mommy!  What's Daddy doing?  Probably playing his dumb ass computer game.

I've spoken to him about it many times over our relationship, things change for a few months but then they are right back to where they were before.  I barely have the energy to give to my kids everyday, I defiantly don't have the energy to deal with Geeks computer game addiction.

I must be weak to stay with a big man-child.  I must be weak because my kids medical problems are crushing me...heck, my own medical problems are crushing me!

I just want a few days, totally alone, no husband/kids/cats to take care of.  I don't want to worry about anyone but me and recharge my batteries.  But that will never happen, so I just keep figuring out how to keep functioning.

Tomorrow is my birthday...

I'm really hoping no one wishes me a happy birthday or really recognizes it in any way.  It has nothing to do with turning 33, I'm proud to have made it another year!  I just don't want to celebrate it.

I hate being the center of attention, always have.  I'd rather just blend into the background...unless you want to talk about my awesome crochet and sewing work or my amazing kids :0)

Then there is the whole present giving aspect of it.  Geek and I decided (after Bubba was born) that we won't exchange gifts for anything...heck, we don't even celebrate our anniversary...because we both feel its just a waste of money.  As the kids have gotten older, we do take them shopping for something small from them for us for Christmas.  Last year they got their dad a small stuffed Stitch and baked him cookies; they got me a soup mug (which I use a lot.)  This year they got their dad slippers and pj pants and I got suger-free chocolates.

I keep telling everyone that I'm okay with this, but really I'm not.  I'm sick of putting myself last, but then I feel guilty and go to the end of the line again.  For example, I got $30 in a card for my birthday the other day.  Should I go buy myself something?  I should, but it's going to new uniform pants for Bubba, new knee socks for Diva, and the rest will get put on their lunch accounts.  If I spend it on myself I will feel bad every time I use/see whatever I would buy.

I got a gift card from my in-laws for Christmas to a clothing store I shop at twice a year, once in the fall for a new pair of jeans (but only if I need them) and once in the spring for a new pair of shorts (but only if I need them)...I still have $8 on it that I physically cannot spend.  There is really nothing I want.  The only reason I spent the rest was Geek made me.  I had a super hard time spending it...cause my jeans fit fine.

I would have much rather had a gift card for somewhere like Walmart...because we need new dishes and silverware.  I got a soft pretzel maker for Christmas...and I'm taking it back hoping to get new dishes with it.  It's not going to make it any easier to make them and I make them in the oven if we want them so I don't need something sitting around collecting dust.

Wow, I got a little off topic...I've been stuck in my house for 6 days, I'm a little loopy!

Mainstream schooling...*sigh*

Bubba has an IEP (Individual Education Plan) and is mainstreamed at school, with some modifications.  Basically, that means that he is in a regular education class with some extra in-class support and he gets extra time to take tests.

This keeps him with neurotypical students.  Neurotypical means kids who don't have "issues" with their brain, for example:  autism, seizures, etc

This is a good thing and a bad thing.

It's good because the other kids are usually good role models for how to act.  They help him practice proper social interactions.

It's a bad thing because kids with Aspergers usually can't tell when someone is a friend or a bully (we dealt with this in kindergarten adn 1st grade) or when someone is friendly-teasing.  And it can also leave the non-neurotypical kid feeling like an outcast.

We have been having trouble with Bubba's school over the last week-ish.  We get a feeling that he is being singled out due to his Asperger's, and that the teachers/aides are relying on the other kids side of the story and not even listening to Bubba's.  Kid's with Asperger's are honest to a fault.  They don't understand things like the "little white lie."

I threatened to pull him out of school to home-school him.  I don't want to because this child is going to be smarter than his college graduate mother before too long :0)

Our next option was to look into alternative or private schooling.  There is an autism program run in our county out of a school about half an hour away.  We are going to insist, at the least, that we be permitted to look into the program.

The school keeps insisting that he needs to be with neurotypical kids to "socialize" him.  He started publie school in Pre-K, he is now in 2nd grade.  His friends are the kids he wrestles with because they accept him for who he is.  He has no friends in his class and hasn't since he started school. 

"Socialization" is no longer a good enough reason to keep him in that school.  Especially when I get an e-mail from one of his teachers telling me that the other students "shouldn't have to tolerate" the things he does.  Well, I don't think he should have to tolerate being forced to sit still for hour at a time, or being picked on when the teachers/aides are out of ear-shot.

After he came home with wood chips all over his socks and him telling me that some kids TOOK HIS SHOES out on the playground, I asked him if he told an adult at the school.  He said he did but was told not to "tattle."  So when the kids pick on him, he doesn't say anything anymore.

How freaking sad is that?



We have an appointment on Monday, 10/21.  I'm sure I will have to get pissy a few times.

Don't mess with the cub if you can't handle Mama!

I'm lonely, oh so lonely....

Hubbys aunt likes to have to kids for a weekend or a week over the summer.  They left Saturday and we will go pick them up Friday...did I mention that she lives over an hour away?  They are having a blast because they are swimming all day and spending time with their grand-aunt and 2nd cousin...two things they love.

But I have no idea what to do with myself.  My house is still clean, there is no laundry to fold, no Minions begging for a snack or lunch or asking me to play games/read books/cuddle with them...I seriously have no idea what to do with myself!

I tried playing The Sims 3, one of my favorite past times, but I start getting bored after an hour or so.  Probably because I never get that long to play it when the kids are home.

I tried crocheting...but, as with The Sims 3, I don't get the chance to do that for long stretches at a time either so I'm actually finishing projects faster!

I've been a stay at home mom for more than 5 years, you would think I'd be used to this down time, but I'm not.  It's better than it was in the begining!

Oh, and daytime tv really sucks.